A few years back on my birthday, I was pulled aside by one of my good lifetime friends, Bonnie. It just so happened that she had had a dream about me the night before. Little did she know, the words she spoke to me would completely change my life forever. I remember the dream she told me very vividly, but most importantly, she said something at the end that I’ll never forget.

::God receives the most glory, when you are exactly who He made you to be::

This has stuck with me since that day. And every time I try and veer from “being me”, I stop. Every time I realize, “That’s not who I am…” when I’m doing something, I stop. Because I realize, the more I become who God has made me to be and less like who I want to be, or what’s acceptable, or what’s popular, the more worship, adoration and complete devotion I am offering to Jesus. Paul even said in Romans 12:2 NLT

::Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect::

I encourage you today, with whatever you’re facing… your uniqueness is not only wanted but needed. Your vulnerability. Your experiences. Your revelations. Your voice. Your failures. Your victories. Your story.

Just because there is another with a stronger personality than you, it does not mean you should stay silent! Be bold with your thoughts, be brave with your heart! Allow yourself to fail because the world expects you to be perfect. So many people believe that if you look perfect, then you will influence everyone. But that’s copying the world - a pagan mindset! But Paul said, “…let God transform you into a new person…” The person you’re meant to be!

Be encouraged. Let yourself be who God created you to be. Stop “copying” and start being.

To let someone in, or to keep someone out? That… is the question.

I sat and stared out of the window of my car into the dark night, searching for the stars to distract my attention, but, alas, I found none. I couldn’t hold the tears back - they just slid down my cheeks. There was no sobbing or sound. My heart was so arrested by subconscious pain and emotion, all I could do was weep, and weep silently. This was a rude and awakening discovery to my enormous heart. There was no answer. At least, there didn’t seem to be a defined one.

I’ve lived and grown up with relationships at arms length for years and have equally learned to keep people out of my heart all too well. But in this instance, this question was begging a defining line. It was not suggesting a grey area in the least. “How could someone be interested in what’s going on in my heart?” I grew up believing that no one wanted to hear what I had to say, or to hear what my heart was dreaming.

It started for me when I was a child; I was very vocal and opinionated. My mother used to tell me to have a “meek and quiet spirit,” because ladies were supposed to be that way. But with all due respect to mother’s advice, inside of me, somehow, I knew that was tainted because I was full of life, vigor, and dreams unimaginably being reached in my heart for a reason. After many times of being told to be silent, I discontinued sharing my heart with others. I made inner vows that I never broke. “I’ll never tell them my dreams again,” and, “They don’t even understand who I am. I’m not like the others. I have plans.” So, suppressed and subdued, I learned to be quiet. 

I remember sitting as a child day dreaming about the day I could talk with someone about my dreams. I dreamed about talking about dreaming. All I could do was dream. So dreaming and idealism became my reality. I learned really fast that I shouldn’t so easily let people in anymore. But little by little, people would gain my trust. Slowly, I allowed them slack to know my personality - the real me. Of course, we all have issues and hurts by other children and words they speak, but these wounds never disappeared nor did they dissolve. They were suppressed.

“Bethany… would you please talk to me,” my room mate asked. I could barely even turn my face towards her, because I feared she would see… me. Another ample amount of tears ran down my face landing on my infinity scarf. “Why won’t you let anyone in….” she prodded further. She was right. I trusted no one and I didn’t need to. At least, I thought I didn’t.

As I write this post, the reality is…. I won’t let people in. I don’t mind trusting people. In fact, I’m so good at it, I allow myself to be hurt. But letting people into that hurt… that’s too painful. It is an oddity that humans think that holding onto pain is better than letting go. I, of all people, should know that holding onto pain and withholding my heart from friendship causes far more pain than does suffering the pain of letting go and letting people in. And yet, still, I’m learning that my heart is not for the keeping; it’s only ever meant to give away. I am all about story telling and allowing people to become a part of your story. Yet, I still keep people out! What is wrong with me. Until I realize the fulness of this lesson, the same question remains on the table. May I always answer the first. It is always better to give, than to withhold.

“To let someone in, or to keep someone out.”

Last night, I sat down with my guitar and sang some of my favourite hymns which pertain to what truths I need to hear in my life. Each of them altered the way I have been discerning my life, and with each of them resides an explanation of what is going through my mind, my heart and my journey. And last night, I just happened to record them. It’s not the best quality of recordings, but they have been recorded nonetheless and I am giving them away as an invitation for you to share my life with me. Yes, these are hymns that have been sung for many years, some decades, but the truth written in them became real to me and I want them to do the same for you, too.

Download My Hymnal: Vol. 1 Below:

https://noisetrade.com/bethanystephens/my-hymnal